Karen’s Journal: ‘Mama, I’m going to make you proud of me and show everyone that I’m amazing, that I’m a fighter’

Karen – a familiar face here at The New Futures Project – started keeping a diary late last year having agreed to share it with us, our supporters and the wider community.

Karen – not her real name – is 44 and in poor but improving health.

She loves dropping into the project to catch up with friends and, more recently, has become a committed and enthusiastic member of our team of volunteers.

Here, with characteristic humour and candour, she looks back over the past few weeks, including her excitement at the imminent arrival of a letter of incalculable importance.

Mama’s birthday in a few days. She‘ll be 39 again! OMG, this year is almost gone.

Now, September is an extremely important month for me. September is when my yearly contact letter is due from my daughter.

Now, I have not talked about her too much because it is very hard for me to go into the whole story.

I found out I was pregnant at 37 years old. Bearing in mind I’m gay and not been with a man for 20 years, some people were completely baffled by this.

Now, I’ll tell you all…..It’s the second coming of Jesus Christ!

There, now you all know.

I know, I’m so funny. If I stood up I’d be a stand-up comedian.

Seriously though, the brightest thing came into my life.

My daughter came from the darkest part of my life. So she is the most amazing young lady and I would not change a single moment in my life – not the drugs, jail, being beaten…not one thing.

Because I would not have her.

I know I can’t change the past, and I can’t dwell on the negatives and cry about all the time I’m missing out on.

I must spend this time making myself the best version of me I can be. I must make sure all of this isn’t for nothing and that I didn’t let it break me – which I almost did.

I’m well on the road to recovery and I will only get better from here on out.

******

I’ve noticed I can get side-tracked quite easily…

As I was saying, once  a year, I get a letter from the adoptive parents about my little angel, just telling me how she is, what she likes and so on.

Then, I get to send one back, with a few photos.

For instance, last year’s letter said she has taken up Street Dance lessons. For me, that’s 100

per cent nature over nurture, because my wife did nothing but listen to Garage music, R’n’B and rap and it felt like little one was dancing in my belly.

So, she also loves football. Well, that’s me. And roast dinners.

So, I’m just so excited.

My legs are healing, just completely changing the subject. 

Soon, they will be fully healed, so my catwalk career is not over.

Not that I can actually walk though. I still get these unbelievable pains in the bottom of my back. Just got to keep doing my exercises.

One step at a time. Literally.

So, the weather. Rain, rain and more rain. I’ve had leaks from different parts of my ceiling for four years now. There are drips everywhere and buckets all over the room.

We had a month’s worth of rain in an hour yesterday, so you can imagine what it’s like.

Having so much rain was unreal. I’m so glad the repairs are getting done soon.

I’ve not had a living room light for four years. Rain water drips off the electrical wires. It must be dangerous.

******

So, back to my mama’s birthday.

‘Happy, happy, happy birthday to you,

You look so good, you look so fine,

Every day you’re gonna shine.’

Happy, happy, happy birthday to you, love from your girl.’

I love you mum, thank you for being there for me and not giving up on me.

Mum, you asked me for just one present for your birthday – for me to stop smoking and

taking drugs.

Well, one out of two isn’t bad. I can’t give up cigarettes just now too. Rome wasn’t built in a day mama.

I’m so lucky you didn’t give up on me. I’m going to make you proud of me mum.

Mama, I will show everyone that I’m amazing, that I’m a fighter. I’m going to be the best me.

******

I did a session with the social work students – (Ed: dozens of whom come to project as part of their studies throughout the year to experience life on the professional front line) – on the way of things here and how they can best hep the women and girls.

It was only the second time I’d done it, but it felt amazing. I know how my teachers must have felt, stood at the board with a class full of students.

I’m so happy of late. Waking up without feeling horrendous pain is amazing. Life is full of possibilities and opportunities.

I even go to a women’s group at Turning Point now, (Ed: Turning Point works with people who want to address their alcohol and/or drug use).

That’s all for now, people. Next month I’m going to fill in some of those gaps I’ve left in this journal, when I said ‘that’s another story’.

By the way, E, I know you’ve read it. Please forgive me.

It’ll be October in a few days and my sister’s birthday in a week’s time.

She’s my older sister. Let’s call her A, as that’s her middle initial.

So, happy birthday A. You’ve always been around in my life and never disowned me. I have an amazing brother-in-law, S, and two amazing nieces, M and E. She’s a career girl, good job, travels and has experienced life, which is what I need to do.

I’m going to spend the next few years making myself clean and sober and having plans for the future.

I’ve been doing projects and being so productive of late, it’s amazing.

******

Diamond Geezer, my pet snake, has just shed and he is 5ft 2ins! OMG. He’s only three. He’s going to be huge. He is such a dude.

I say ‘he’, but on further inspection, I think he might be a she.

I Googled it but learned very quickly how careful you have to be, searching for ‘check sex….’.

So, make sure you check what you Google. Also, have you ever Googled yourself? It’s quite enlightening.

Bye for now.

Karen.

The New Futures Project offers a comprehensive welfare and counselling service for women and young people dealing with sexual abuse or exploitation, domestic violence, trafficking, poverty and debt, substance use or mental ill-health.

Call us on 0116 251 0803 or send us a message at: info@new-futures.org.uk

You can find us at 71 London Road, Leicester, LE2 0PE.

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