Karen’s Journal: ‘Just got home from volunteering at New Futures – I’m feeling so good about myself these days’

Karen – a familiar face here at The New Futures Project – started keeping a diary late last year – having agreed to share it with us, our supporters and the wider community.

Karen – not her real name – is in her early-40s and in poor – but improving – health, chiefly as a result of drug and alcohol use.

She loves dropping into the project to catch up with friends and, more recently, has become a committed and enthusiastic volunteer here.

Here, with characteristic humour and honesty, she looks back over the past few weeks and speaks movingly about her ongoing ‘recovery journey’.

June 2024:

Wow, I can’t believe it’s half the year gone. As you can see, I’ve bought a new pen.

I’ve just got home from my evening of volunteering at The New Futures Project – I’m feeling so good about myself these days.

The pain in my legs is getting less every day. They are healing after five years of ulcers on both and I can’t even begin to explain how excruciating the pain has been.

I am still in pain and always will be. You’d never think being on crutches for two years would make me have to learn to walk again without them.

After one minute I get a pain in my lower back that cripples me and I have to sit down.

Madness! It’s one thing after another.

So, one thing I need to sort out is my weight. I have gone from weighing only six stone three years ago when my health was at its worst to 12-and-a half stone. 

I’ve doubled in size, none of my clothes fit me and I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a shop window and my body has changed shape.

Being on crutches for years has made me almost look like a hunchback. My ass sticks out a mile and my boobs are ridiculously big. They weigh about two stones each!

Put it this way, everyone I meet who hasn’t seen me for a while either says ‘you’re looking well’ – a polite way of saying I’ve put on weight or they say “******* hell Karen, look at the size at the size of your tits” – which is generally accompanied by a squeeze.

Only women do this, which I’m okay with. I’ll take what I can get. Lol! Blokes just stare at them.

I’ve invested in a new pen. I lost the last new one!

I’m starting to get really motivated of late. 

I got a new wardrobe off Freecycle – but the woman failed to mention she was on the third floor.

It nearly killed me and G (ed: G is Karen’s close friend). Had to do it in two trips. First bit, no problem. Second bit, got it down the stairs, but it didn’t fit in the car.

So G took it to bits. Nightmare. I mean he used his fist as a hammer to take all the panels off. He didn’t break it. We got it to my flat and rebuilt it.

God only knows how, but there’s a two-inch gap at the back. Lol!

It’s a joke because the base can’t change size and the 10 panels that came off are all still there. How? Not that it matters because you can’t see it.

Because I’m in the middle of a complete house clean there are boxes, piles of clothes and paperwork literally everywhere.

So, new topic. I’ve broken a rib.

How, you might think? A car crash maybe? No. I got mugged? Again, no.

No, I fell over. What a tit I am. It really hurt.

Good job I have my in-built air-bags to take the brunt of the damage. My boob is badly bruised, but it could have been worse

OMG, it’s the 1st of July. It’s my bro G’s birthday in a week, mine in three weeks and my little angel – (ed: Karen has a daughter with whom she hopes to be reunited one day) – will be six years old two days after mine.

I’m going to be 44. Where has the time gone?

I had a good week last week. The Euros were on so me and my dad watched matches together.

I’ve been spending more and more time at New Futures lately. It’s good that I’m making different choices.

For example, I got money in the post last week. In the past I would have gone and scored some whites and darks (ed: crack and heroin) and smoked all day.

But instead, I went to the project. It was a woman’s birthday and we had a buffet and a cake for her. She loved it.

It’s about just being there, making different choices and breaking the routine.

I’m on my recovery journey. I have a saying my mama taught me a long time ago and I say it every morning and night: ‘Every day in every way I’m getting better and better’. 

So, I do listen to you mama, xx.

God, what am I going to buy G for his birthday?

Anyway, my arm is aching from all this writing, so I’m off for a rest.

Just one quick thing though. Today it was pointed out to me by someone who knows me and reads this journal that I often say: “That’s another story , but we’ll get to that…”.

Well, I will. I promise.

It’s a bit like Eastenders,  leaving you all on a cliff edge…

Duff, duff, duff, duff etc.

Ha ha ha.

Contact The New Futures Project on 0116 251 0803 or send us a message at: info@new-futures.org.uk

You can find us at 71 London Road, Leicester, LE2 0PE.

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