Karen’s Journal: ‘I can’t believe I’ve been writing this for a year now – it’s the first thing I’ve actually stuck to in ages’

Karen – a familiar face here at The New Futures Project – started keeping a diary late last year having agreed to share it with us, our supporters and the wider community.

Karen – not her real name – is 44 and in poor but improving health.

She loves dropping into the project to catch up with friends and, more recently, has become a committed and enthusiastic member of our team of volunteers.

Here, she looks back on November and December – a difficult time for her as it included the birthday of her late partner, the ‘love of her life’.

Also, her elderly father, who lives in a care home these days, is very poorly. 

‘Wow, what is wrong with me?’, I think to myself. ‘Why am the only broken one of the family?’

On paper, I had a picture-perfect childhood, good family, mum and dad had a great marriage, lived in a beautiful house – double garage and a garden – in a lovely village.

I didn’t want for anything. Or did I?

Surely, I must have been broken somehow. I remember my next-door neighbours, Fred and Pat.

When he found out I was gay, Fred said to me ‘Don’t worry, it’s not your fault. It’s your parents’ fault – they must have done it wrong when they made you’. Thanks Fred. So, you’re telling me I’m broken. 

But he might have been right. Why am I the only person in the family that’s so screwed up, so broken?

I must have been Hitler in my past life to deserve the hand I’ve been dealt. All I’ve ever done is try my best.

I’ve had amazing opportunities and through no fault of my own each and every time some asshole god from above has taken it from me.

It’s like ‘Here you are Karen, here’s a taste of happiness. Enjoy it for now because I’m f****** taking it away from you’.

Thanks a lot. That’s why I’m broken.

Today (November 15) would have been my wifey’s birthday. God, I miss her so much.

(Emma,  the love of Karen’s life, died in January 2020.)

It will be five years in January since she died. I’ve not even begun to grieve for her. Why did she go? What god dealt her that hand?

We were getting clean and getting our daughter back. We were going to live a beautiful happy life together.

I get so depressed this time of year. Roll on January – I’m going to make the best of it.

So, you’ve heard the saying ‘It never rains but it pours’. That’s true in both senses of the phrase for me.

My ceiling is still leaking every time it rains. It pours out of a few different places, but my best mate came up with a great idea – instead of having buckets all over the lounge, I put my houseplants under the drips. Saves me watering them eh? Very clever.

So, Christmas Day is approaching rapidly. I generally hate Christmas as it’s the last time me, my wife and our daughter were together.

Little did we know that day we spent together would be our last.

I remember it so well. We took ‘A’ (our little girl) to see the Christmas tree up town and the Nativity scene in Town Hall Square.

When we took her to meet Santa she cried her eyes out. She was like ‘Get me away from this fat guy in the red suit with the huge beard – and what’s this Ho Ho Ho all about?’.

We have a photo and if you zoom in on her face you can see her bottom lip is down and she’s about to burst into tears. Bless her.

I also have a two-minute video of her taking her first steps with my wife. She was so proud of herself. I treasure it so much.

I’m going to make this Christmas Day amazing. I’m going to have my Dad for the day. I’ve spent hours putting the tree up, decorating the flat and the presents are under the tree.

I’m going to cook Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. It’s going to be great.

 I used to have him over for a few days at Christmas, but that’s just not possible now because of his health. At the care home they have wet rooms with grab-rails and hoists and sit-down showers.

Dad can barely get on the toilet at mine and the bathroom is tiny. So, I’m going to pick him up early on Christmas Day and have him until late.

It’s Christmas Day morning. Merry Christmas everyone!

I can’t believe this. I just called the care home to arrange to collect Dad and they say he is too poorly.

He has a chest infection and they are waiting for the doctor.

They say he is too ill to be moved to hospital and they have put his ‘end of life’ medication in place.

So, I switched everything off and went to the care home and spent Christmas Day with Dad, sitting with him, holding his hand.

Doctor says Dad is on his second lot of antibiotics but if they don’t work there is nothing they can do for him. And we all know what that means.

So I’m sitting with him, telling him he is strong.

He was asleep most of the time, but he knew I was there.

It’s funny, but every time he woke up he said: “Hello Karen, (he called by my pet name), I’ve missed you”.

Because of his dementia, he’d forget each time he fell asleep. He’s like a goldfish.

At one point he was staring at me and started squeezing my face. I said: “Dad, what are you doing?” and he replied: “I’m just checking you’re real.”

Now I’ve caught his chest infection so I can’t go to see him. But my mum is here, and my other brothers and sisters have all visited.

It was nice getting to see my sister and brother-in-law and two nieces.

My mum is staying a few days, which will be nice.

****

OMG, I have just got over norovirus. I’ve never vomited like that before.

My best mate’s car got the full force of it. I had to open the door while he was driving because I couldn’t stop it. I spent the next 24 hours being sick.

So, it’s 2025. I can’t believe I’ve been writing this for a year now – it’s the first thing I’ve actually stuck to in ages.

So, I’ll end this year with a quote from one of my favourite films: 

‘It’s been emotional”.

The New Futures Project offers a comprehensive welfare and counselling service for women and young people dealing with sexual abuse or exploitation, domestic violence, trafficking, poverty and debt, substance use or mental ill-health.

Call us on 0116 251 0803 or send us a message at: info@new-futures.org.uk

You can find us at 71 London Road, Leicester, LE2 0PE.