‘It wasn’t until I had my eyes opened to the abuse I’d suffered that I realised it wasn’t right’

“Coming to the New Futures Project has been absolutely life-changing for me,” she says simply.

Trisha – not her real name – came to us a year ago carrying the trauma of two abusive relationships, the most recent being her marriage.

Her self-esteem was on the floor, she had PTSD and, she believes, was beginning to harbour suicidal impulses.

Her innate goodness and her lifelong belief, at least in part inspired by her Christian faith, that she could help people change for the better had been tested to its limit.

Trisha decided to tell her story – and to share her poetry, but more of that in due course – to highlight how counselling offered by the New Futures Project has helped her turn her life around.

“I had a very messy separation from my husband,” she tells us.

“It was incredibly difficult and the police became involved. They referred me to the New Futures Project and I started coming here to talk about that and another abusive relationship I’d been in.

“I used to be a ‘rescuer’. I thought I could help people change for the better. But I’ve learned that’s a one-sided battle if they don’t want to change.

“I come from a background, a mindset, of wanting to help people. I’ve always seen myself as a nurturer – but ultimately I lost myself.

“Coming here has been absolutely life-changing for me. I had no self-esteem and I was not able to put anything in place to protect myself.

“Now I’m good at keeping an eye on people who might be trying to exploit me. I know I don’t have to please people. I’m entitled to say ‘no’ to them.

“I think the way I was before is more common than people realise. I struggled to say ‘no’ to those men. I would do things I didn’t want to because I was a ‘people-pleaser’.

“It’s almost as if you say ‘it’s okay, they’re my friend’ about someone who is manipulating you.

“I separated from my ex-husband about two years ago now. I’d had to get a non-molestation order against him because of the emotional, mental and psychological abuse he’d put me through,

“A year ago my blood would run cold and I’d be an absolute mess if he contacted me

“He tried to contact me again recently, but this time I just thought ‘Oh, he’s at it again’. I won’t let him control me or my emotions and feelings anymore. That is liberating. 

“When I first started coming here I’d lost everything, I had PTSD and I was having nightmares. I had no self-esteem or confidence.

“It wasn’t until I had my eyes opened to the abuse I’d suffered that I realised it wasn’t right. Abuse is not normal.

“Now if I do hit a low I know how to cope with it better. It’s a credit to people at New Futures, including my counsellor, who has been bloody brilliant. 

“She is so understanding and easy to talk to. She really listens.

“They haven’t told me what the answers are. They’ve helped me think things through for myself by asking questions which prompt me.

“Now I want to help others. I hope telling my story here will help someone.”

And that brings us to the creative outlet for her thoughts and emotions.

“I love writing poetry,” she says.

“It’s kind of my way of getting the words in my head out there. My head is quite noisy, but writing makes it easier for me to process all those thoughts and feelings.

“It started as a hobby when I was younger, writing down little bits and bobs about my life. Looking back at what I wrote as a child reflects who I was then. 

“Previously, a lot of my poems were very personal, but now they seem to be more open-ended, so they could relate to me or to someone else in a completely different situation.

“I think hearing someone like me tell their story and reading my work might inspire someone to come to New Futures and get the help they need.”

Here are four examples of Trisha’s work:

Healed:

I wave goodbye to depression,

I shout goodbye to fear.

I say goodbye to trauma,

something I once held near.

I let go of negativity,

I let go of what has passed.

I let go of what held me back,

something I thought would last.

I acknowledge my shortcomings,

I acknowledge that I have grown.

I acknowledge that I’m stronger,

that I’m not on my own.

I no longer fear the future,

I no longer resist love.

I no longer live in darkness,

with thanks from God above.

A weight has now been lifted,

the light has been revealed.

I’m full of joy and positivity,

my mental health is healed.

Rush of Confusion:

I don’t know where to start,

it’s crazy beyond compare.

Don’t know if I’m right or wrong,

or if I’m here or there.

I think I’m doing okay,

I do the best I can.

To find it’s all completely wrong,

and I need a helping hand.

Thoughts are whizzing in my head,

going to have to grin and bear it.

Stay positive and do my best,

put on my improvement kit.

I’m told that I am loved,

the feeling of flying high. 

Time goes by, nothing happens,

those feelings suddenly die.

Just be myself and stand proud,

I am what you see.

I’m not changing for anyone,

I’m happy just to be me.

Games:

You find me, you show me,

you know me, you throw me.

Enthuse me, confuse me,

misuse me and bruise me. 

Excite me, protect me,

upset me, reject me.

You like me, you want me,

you hide things, enchant me.

Your promises broken,

my wounds are left open.

Conversations engaging,

priorities are changing.

Influenced, inspired,

cheated, desired.

Your intentions are scattered,

my emotions are shattered.

All goodwill is battered, 

our future left tattered.

I long to do right,

push away for a night.

I want what’s not there,

I feel hopeless, despair.

My anxiety, freak out,

I cry and I shout.

Stop…!!!

Back straight, take a break,

my sanity at stake.

Moving on I am done,

make myself number one.

No excuses, that’s past,

live my life in contrast.

I hope you miss me, feel the shame,

I’m done living your silly game.

I See:

I see someone who’s strong,

I see someone who’s brave.

I see someone who’s beautiful,

with a heart that people crave.

I see someone who’s courageous,

I see someone who’s kind.

I see someone who helps,

but keeps herself in mind.

I see someone who’s patient,

I see someone who cares.

I see someone who loves,

there is no one who compares.

I see someone who’s fresh,

I see someone who’s new.

Now take a look at your reflection,

the person you see is you.

_____________________________________________________________________ 

New Futures was set up to support women involved in sex work.

However, we have evolved into a comprehensive welfare and counselling service for women and young people dealing with sexual abuse or exploitation, domestic violence, trafficking, poverty and debt, substance use or mental ill-health.

Call us on 0116 251 0803 or send us a message at: info@new-futures.org.uk

You can find us at 71 London Road, Leicester, LE2 0PE.

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