I was told my depression was untreatable – but everything changed when I came to New Futures

When she first came to the New Futures Project, Gracie had given up all hope and believed she would have to contend with crippling depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidal thoughts for the rest of her time.

Gracie – not her real name – spoke to us about the project’s role in helping her make the breakthroughs which have transformed her, reflecting on the trauma she carried from an abusive upbringing into her adult life, as well as her struggle with her mental health.

Before her GP referred her to us for counselling around two years ago, the 24-year-old had only negative experiences of therapy.

“The people I went to see would end up telling me they wouldn’t be able to help me, saying verbatim ‘sorry, you’re too messed up for us’ or ‘we just don’t have the facilities to deal with your level of trauma’,” she says.

“I remember thinking that coming to the New Futures Project was my Hail Mary, my very last chance.

“I spoke to someone on the phone during my lunch break before I actually came here. I expected her to say they wouldn’t be able to help me.

“But at the end of the conversation she said ‘we’re going to help you. It’s going to get better’.

“It was weird. I remember going back to work and thinking ‘what the hell was that all about?’.

“I’d been depressed for as long as I can remember. Even when I was in primary school, I was always unhappy with everything in my life,” she says.”

“I used to sleep with a big kitchen knife under my pillow, thinking one day I’d wake up with the confidence to slit my wrists for real instead of just self-harming.

“I wanted to die, but I didn’t have the confidence to do it. It got to the point where I was choosing clothes which would cover up my scars from all the self-harming.”

“I tried to overdose on pills every chance I had, but it never worked. It got to the point my GP tried to have me committed to a mental health hospital when I was 15 years old.”

Her “very” oppressive and abusive upbringing is a key part of her story, she says.

She grew up in a household in which she was “often scolded, used and abused” by her mother and wider family.

As the oldest child, she was expected to take care of her siblings, the house and both parents, cook, clean and any other task they could think of.

She recalls: “I was unpaid live-in maid, cook and nanny.

“I was literally a child myself at this time. My mum would punish me if any of my siblings did anything wrong, regardless of if I was even present at the time or not.”

She ran from home at age 18 to attend university despite the “very negative pushback” from her mother, who refused to sign her Student Finance because it would mean she could afford to leave and not come back.

This was also the reason she was not allowed to work prior to her first job at 18 which she used to pay off the costs of her move to Leicester for university.

Despite all these challenges and her deteriorating mental health Gracie emerged with a law degree.

“My mum had told me I would never amount to anything and that I’d end up sad and alone and that no one could ever love or want me,” she says.

“When I got to university, I felt I could breathe for the first time in years. I was so relieved and happy.

“Everything I had, from the forks in my cutlery drawer down to the pillows on my accommodation provided couch, I’d paid for by myself.

“So, here I was – independent for the first time in my life, but I was still struggling so much.”

She remembers: “I felt like I was in the deep end of a swimming pool, slowly drowning and no one could see or hear me.”

Eventually her GP referred her to New Futures and she began her sessions with Jenni, our counselling manager.

“Jenni was different. She took every session, and every day one at a time and waited until I was ready to talk, and for the first time in 22 years I felt safe,” she says.

“I knew I was messed up, but the more I talked to her the more I realised all these things weren’t my fault.

“At first we had to go through all the backstories – and that took a while because there were so many – to try to understand why I was the way I was.

“That took about a year but things really began to feel better, a lot better.

“My life is so different now.  I can talk to people, whereas before I could hardly lift my head and look people in the eye due to my crippling social anxiety.

“Now I can have conversations, even with people I don’t know. I was never like that before.

“I remember laughing for what seemed like the first time in years and thinking that it sounded so weird.

“The people at the New Futures Project made me feel welcome straight away. They always understood if I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone or joining in.

“I think the key to it is the way they make things easy for you. They don’t push and work according to you.

“The first time I finally had the confidence to ask if there was any food, Avril (who is a member of the drop-in team) said there was some beef stew she had made and asked me if I’d like to sit down to eat.

“I said I would rather take it away with me. And without missing a beat, she put it in a to-go bag and said with a smile to me ‘I hope you enjoy this.’

So, why the breakthroughs?

She tells us: “It’s the genuine kindness and caring attitude of the people at New Futures. Even small things like a game of bingo in the drop-in area help.

“They truly want to help. They are so genuine and tailor every interaction to the individual.

“Over Christmas for the first time since I’d started at New Futures I attended a bingo game.

“When I arrived, a round was already underway and I just wanted to turn around and run, but immediately the others were saying ‘come in, grab a seat’ – and I ended up having so much fun.

“Jenni has helped me realise that living is not a burden, but an opportunity for greatness.

“There were times when I was not okay at all but she would give me the time I needed and wouldn’t let me go home until she was certain I wasn’t going to harm myself. 

“The time she has dedicated to understanding me, my culture and the best way to help, is something I cannot express enough with words.

“So many things in my life have changed since I came to New Futures. I go to the gym now, spend time with friends and just make every effort to live every day to the full.

“Because of the great work from Jenni and all the wonderful people at New Futures, I had the confidence and will to study a master’s degree – from which I have now graduated.

“By this point in my life it had been almost two years since I had been working with Jenni and the dark veil of my depression was finally lifting and life was slowly but surely getting better.

“Before I was just existing. I was on antidepressants for over two years and I don’t even remember those years. I was like a zombie, existing but not living.

“I had stopped going to my law classes, I stopped eating. I stopped doing anything at all. I was in bed 24/7 staring at the ceiling.

“Now, I’m two years self-harm free and looking forward to the future.”

Gracie has a strong relationship with her siblings and is doing her best to rebuild her relationship with her mum. However, there are other close relatives with whom she feels she will never be able to reconnect and has made her peace with that.

She says she has found peace within herself and is excited to see where life takes her. Contrary to her own initial beliefs her story is not over, in fact, she concludes: “It has only just begun.”

New Futures was set up to support women involved in sex work.

However, we have evolved into a comprehensive welfare and counselling service for women and young people dealing with sexual abuse or exploitation, domestic violence, trafficking, poverty and debt, substance use or mental ill-health.

Call us on 0116 251 0803 or send us a message at: info@new-futures.org.uk

You can find us at 71 London Road, Leicester, LE2 0PE.

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